Leeza Gibbons: The 10 Commitments of Caregiving

Leeza Gibbons, former co-host of Entertainment Tonight is now the co-host of “America Now,” the nightly syndicated TV news magazine and the TV show “My Generation” (on PBS stations).  One of the greatest gifts in Leeza’s life has been the opportunity to honor her mother's legacy and her family's journey through her mother’s Alzheimer's disease. In 2002, she created The Leeza Gibbons Memory Foundation and its signature program Leeza's Place, offering free services for family caregivers who are caring for someone they love who is sick or dying. The 10 Commitments are republished here from the Leeza's Place website.

Before undertaking any effort in life, such as these commitments, always know that perfection is a false goal. Perfection in caregiving should be avoided at all times. These Ten Commitments were created only for caregivers committed to the concept of “doing your best, no more nor less.” These are just suggestions to assist you on your caregiving journey.

COMMITMENT I
TAKE YOUR OXYGEN FIRST

As the FAA says, when the plane gets into trouble and the life saving equipment falls from the upper compartment, you take the oxygen first and then give it to your child. With only 19 seconds of useful consciousness in such a situation this approach gives both of you a chance of survival. 

Caregiving is no different. At its base, caregiving is an experience of confusion, challenge and mixed emotions. Love for your family member and the satisfaction you derive from helping may create a situation where one sacrifices their lives at the “alter of caregiving.” That sacrifice gives rise to conflicting emotions such as guilt, stress, anxiety and a host of other mental health challenges. It is imperative as a caregiver to take care of one’s own mind, body and soul by taking the oxygen first.

COMMITMENT II

NEVER ASSUME

Caregivers are no different than others in that we tend to make assumptions about other people and situations before actually having gathered all of the neede information. In fact, when we make an assumption we are really passing judgment without even realizing it. 

How often do we assume that our loved one knows what we know, or knows what we need or desire to have happen, when if fact we are not all psychic? The result of this is often misplaced anger or resentment. Let’s make a sincere effort to garner all the details before we make assumptions.

COMMITMENT III

HAVE ONGOING FAMILY CONFERENCES

Roles and responsibilities are extremely important to explain to all involved. Ongoing family conferences maintain the boundaries necessary to the caregiving process so that no one feels out of control or inadequate. 

This is a vital and should be done in person and as frequently as needed. Family conferences are like tuneups used to maintain the family car. This car needs to drive well, efficiently and for a long time. Schedule these conferences regularly, before the wheels fall off.

COMMITMENT IV

DO NOT ISOLATE

Social isolation can detach and separate a caregiver and give rise to a wide variety of stresses for those taking care of a loved one. Isolation is dangerous because it cuts off family members from outside help and support they need to cope with the stresses of caregiving. Isolation makes it harder for outsiders to see and intervene in a volatile situation. 

Support groups help caregivers feel less isolated creating strong bonds of assistance and friendship. Participating in a support group helps caregivers manage stress by sharing their experiences and helping to improve caregiver skills. It may also help you to face that some problems have no solutions and that accepting the situation is reality. Join a Caregiver Support Group today.

COMMITMENT V

DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY 

Taking things personally is about self-importance, “the maximum expression of selfishness,” where we assume everything is about “me.” As a famous author once said, “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” The actual words said by your loved one are not what is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that are touched by what was said.

COMMITMENT VI
PLAN AHEAD/HAVE CONTINGENCY PLANS

Murphy's Law is a popular adage in our culture which broadly states that things will go wrong in any given situation. In American culture the law was named after an engineer working for a brief time on USA rocket sled experiments. No doubt if you are a caregiver than Plan A needs to be made but has to be followed up by Plan B, a contingency plan. 

Recognize what you can and cannot do, define your priorities, and act accordingly. Turn to other people for help - your family, friends, and neighbors. Prepare clear written list of tasks for anyone who may offer assistance. Planning ahead is vital as it gets all on the same page, allows your loved one to feel safe and to have continuity, lessening their anxiety. What if I go before my loved one does? The answer is plan ahead!

COMMITMENT VII

DO NOT FALL PREY TO SHAME & STIGMA

Shame and stigma have tragic consequences. Caregivers with mental health challenges fail to see help for themselves because of the shame associated with their condition. 

As a result of this feeling many think they will experience some form of discrimination, whether in the workplace, from health insurance plans or in social settings. They must get help for their behavioral issues in the same manner they would get help for any other other medical condition. Though a loved one is surrounded by medical and behavioral complications at all times, matters get much worse if the caregiver represses their own mental health issues and keeps it in a closet. 

There is a high need for ongoing assessments for depression, anxiety, fear, alcohol usage and many other challenges. Often shame and stigma prevent vital access to in-depth evaluation of those on the caregiving path. There is no biochemical difference between a disease of the brain and a disease of the heart.

COMMITMENT VIII

USE COMMUNITY RESOURCES

A full complement of support services that address the caregiver and the recently diagnosed exists in every community. The quality and the extent of such a continuum of resources may vary but just know that neither a caregiver nor their loved one has to be alone. 

Supportive services may include medical, behavioral, legal, dental and various psycho-educational support groups Investigate community resources that might be helpful. If there is a Leeza’s Place in your community, consult a Leeza Care Advocate or attend meetings and ask other caregivers for the resources that have helped them. If there is not a Leeza’s Place in your community try our Caregiver Connection Line.

COMMITMENT IX

HONOR SACRED MEMORIES

Empower yourself and your family using experiential approaches to memories. Take time to “remember.” Get away from it all while relaxing with yourself and your loved ones. Use photography journaling, scrapbooking, holiday decorations or any other means to associate with the endearing “stories” of the family. 

If there is a Leeza’s Place near you, make sure you schedule time for LMTV, Leeza’s Memory Television. The caregiver and the care receiver can find common and connective ground in the face of the best and worst of times. Making sure that all members of the family are included is vital in this process. 

This is a great time to bring children into the process of honoring their elders and allows loved ones to connect in a valuable way. Keeping what emerges out of such a dynamic process is a great way to honor sacred memories and bridge the generations.

COMMITMENT X

FIND HUMOR IN MANY PLACES

“Laughter Is the Best Medicine.” This is an old expression popularized by Norman Cousin’s book “Anatomy of an Illness,” in which he describes his battle with cancer and how he “laughed” his way to recovery. His hypothesis and the subject of many studies suggest that there are positive effects to be gained from laughter as a great tension-releaser, pain reducer, breathing improver, and general elevator of moods. 

It sounds miraculous, is not proven, but studies continue. In short, humor therapy is valuable and it helps us through difficult or stressful times. Try to see the humor in being a caregiver. Try writing on a card “Have you laughed with your loved one today?” and placing it in a conspicuous place in the bathroom or kitchen. Read funny books or jokes, listen to funny tapes or watch humorous movies or videos that make you laugh. 

Try it and you’ll like it!

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How to confront your alcoholic parent(s)

Did you know that 2.5 million U.S. adults over the age of 65, nearly 17%, have alcohol abuse problems?

While a large group of these adults have been excessively drinking for many years, nearly 40% become alcoholic late in life. Their alcoholism may have been triggered by changes in their lives such as reduced income, retirement, death of a loved one, loneliness, worries about health and problems going to sleep.

As people get older, the absorption rate of alcohol goes up so they become intoxicated much faster than when they were young.

When alcohol is combined with medications, there can be many adverse reactions and even a small amount can impair coordination, judgement and reaction time increasing the risks for accidents at home, work or while driving.

Children of alcoholic parents are increasing finding themselves in the situation where they feel compelled to do something about their parent or parents' drinking. 

This is not easy, of course. Where do you start, what do you say?

The video above, produced by the Huffington Post tries to answer these questions. It delves into this topic and discusses the best intervention options. Host Nancy Redd is joined by Jeff Jay, co-author of "Love First: A Family's Guide to Intervention"; Julie Bowden, a therapist and co-author of "Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics"; Erin Harkes, a singer/songwriter; and psychotherapist Wendy Foreman.

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Flu Prevention: 3 steps you need to know

How NOT to Get the Flu

Wash your hands for as long as it takes to sing "Happy Birthday" twice

Recommended article: The New York Times, January 11, 2013: As the Flu Rages, Caregivers Suffer

Recommended article: The New York Times, January 18, 2013: Tough Flu Season in U.S., Especially for the Elderly

Step 1. Get Your Flu Shot

Contrary to what you may have heard, you cannot get the flu from a vaccination. The flu shot contains killed viruses. Getting a flu shot does not guarantee that you won't get the flu, because matching the vaccine with the viruses from any particular year is difficult. However, if you do get a flu shot and come down with the flu sometime during flu season, the vaccination will reduce your risk of dying. In fact, the risk is reduced even more if you get shots in consecutive years.

Before you get a flu shot:

• Get plenty of sleep. A lack of sleep prior to getting a flu shot reduces the vaccination's effectiveness.

• Do not take aspirin, NSAIDS (such as Ibuprofen) or COX-2 inhibitors, as these also reduce the vaccination's effectiveness.

• Notify your doctor if you are allergic to eggs. Flu vaccine is cultivated in eggs and could potentially produce an allergic reaction.

• Don't procrastinate. Get vaccinated today!

Step 2. Build Up Your Immunity

There are 4 important ways to do this:

1. Get 8 hours of sleep every night.

Sleep deprivation wreaks havoc on your immune system, so get plenty of sleep to boost your immunity to illness. If you have trouble sleeping, trying the following:

• Sleep in a cool, dark room.
• Use a sleep mask.
• Turn off the TV one hour before you go to bed.
• Meditate.
• Don't worry about little things.
• Try taking melatonin.

2. Exercise

Regular exercise has been proven to boost the immunity system. To be most effective exercise for at least 45 minutes, 5 times a week.

3. Eat healthy foods. 

A healthy diet is important for good health and immunity to illness, so eat five or more helpings of fruits and vegetables every day. Include plenty of beta-carotene rich foods such as apricots, carrots, papayas, cantaloupe, spinach, pumpkin, sweet potatoes and mangoes. If possible, eat two or more meals a week of fatty fish such as salmon, sardines and mackerel. Eat plenty of garlic and spicy foods, as well as raw yogurt and/or take probiotics.

4. Take supplements  

Choose immunity-building vitamins, minerals and antioxidants, including a multivitamin, zinc, magnesium, vitamin E, selenium and alpha lipoid acid. In addition, try turmeric, garlic and CoQ10 supplements.

Step 3. Avoid Infection

The flu is contagious one day before symptoms appear and up to 5 days afterwards. Droplets from the mouth and nose spread influenza, so when an infected person sneezes, coughs, or touches any surface, the virus is spread. In addition, viruses can live on a cold surface for three days. Follow these guidelines to reduce the risk of infection:

1. Wash your hands frequently.

If you are unsure about how long is “long enough,” wash your hands for the length of time it takes to sing “Happy Birthday” to yourself twice. Make sure to wash your hands before eating, after sneezing or coughing in your hands, after shaking someone's hand and after touching anything at all that could be contaminated. To get the maximum benefit use hot water, soap and a follow-up hand sanitizer such as Purell. 

2. Avoid touching anything that could be contaminated.

Flu season is a good time to be somewhat obsessive about not touching contaminated surfaces. Try not to touch things that are used frequently by others, such as doorknobs, handrails, “community” keypads or pens. Consider wearing gloves when pushing a shopping cart, or using a paper towel to open the door of a public restroom after you have washed your hands. Carry a hand sanitizer with you (and use it frequently) and train yourself to not touch your nose, mouth or eyes.

3. Avoid "droplets."

Avoid crowds if possible, and stay away from people who are coughing or obviously sick. Try to fly less frequently, as one sick person on an airplane can infect all passengers.

4. Buy a flu mask. 

In case of an epidemic, you'll be prepared. 

Note: this chart was created by David Bunnell and reviewed by Dr. Frederic Vagnini.  

See our chart: What to do if you have the flu


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Eldercare: Let's Prevent Falls

Nearly 2 million American elders are treated in hospital emergency rooms each year for injuries resulting from falls. About half of all serious falls happen at home and can be prevented if your home (or the home of the person you care for) is made safe. 

Here are some useful hints for increasing home safety and preventing falls. This poster was originally published in ELDR magazine and on the eldr.com website. Created by David Bunnell and Illustrated by Timmy Kucynda, the poster can be downloaded by clicking here.

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The 5-minute Unfrazzle Meditation for stressed out caregivers

You're having one of those hectic days which would seem totally insane to an outsider but which to you is all too familiar. So many things to get done, to worry about...so many hurdles, roadblocks, pitfalls, interruptions. 

Reality is what it is, we can't change that, but we can help you make your day seem easier and more manageable. We can lower your stress level.

All you have to do is set aside 5 minutes and agree to sit somewhere, anywhere comfortable and close your eyes. You could be in the car waiting for someone, or in a doctor's office, at your desk, in the kitchen...it doesn't matter.

Simply do the following:

1. Sit comfortably with you back straight but not tense and close your eyes.
2. Become aware of your breath.
3. Breath in slowly through you nostrils until your lungs are over half full and then exhale slowly.
4. Follow your breath and not your thoughts.
5. Every time your mind is distracted by a thought, bring it back to your breath.
6. As you breath out imagine you are exhaling your tension and worries in the form of thick, black smoke.
7. As you breath in imagine you are inhaling peaceful clear light which fills your entire mind and body.
8. Allow yourself to continue this way for a few moments  and notice how relaxed and calm you feel.
9. Before you open your eyes, thank yourself for taking care of yourself if only for 5 minutes and promise yourself you'll do this again tomorrow. 

Now, back to the grind! 

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A book you simply won't want to put down: Review by Phil Brody

Maria Altman pictured here in front of Gustav Klimt's Portrait of Adele Bloch-Bauer which was stolen from Maria's family by the Nazis during World War II. It was returned to her in 2006 after she took her case all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court. The painting was later sold for $135 million.

The Accidental Caregiver: How I Met, Loved, and Lost Legendary Holocaust Refugee Maria Altman by Gregor Collins has been causing quite a stir for what on the surface seems like a prosaic topic. But this is no ordinary account of caregiving. Instead, it is an incredible touching and intimate exploration of what love and age mean in today's world as well as a riveting account of the life of the great Maria Altmann.

Phil Brody, author of the Holden Age of Hollywood, winner of the "Best New Fiction" category in the USA Book News Awards, did not think The Accidental Caregiver would resonate with him. But he started reading it anyway, and he was "surprised."

Here's Phil's short, but convincing review: 

"This book surprised me. Truth told, I did not think a story involving a caregiver, Holocaust survivor, and their unlikely bond would resonate with me. However, while speeding along in my rather self-involved LA-based life, I was pleasantly sideswiped, and for several hours a day, over a few days, I was immersed in this honest, heartfelt, and poignant story. And I'm thankful for that. I needed that. 

Long story short, I loved the book and would recommend it to anyone. Trust me, it's not what you think.

The author has succeeded on so many levels in relating this extremely personal story to the reader. You're drawn in from the get-go, and the book, for me, surprisingly turned into a page-turner. For that, I credit the writing, which takes the reader by the hand and leads them through a very intimate story with adept storytelling skills and an addictive sense of humor. It tugs the heartstrings often, and then yanks them at just the right time -- but that's what great writers do and do well. 

The dialogue was also great. In fact, several lines made me jealous as a writer of fiction. I know the words and exchanges were real and came from a real people, but I found myself wishing I had penned them. I still do. One I'll never forget involves the comment, "Fish f*** in it." I'll say no more and will let you discover the situation surrounding that quote.

And you should discover it. You should take a chance on this book. I noticed the bevy of five-star reviews after I finished reading The Accidental Caregiver, and I was glad to see them. They are well deserved. And now I add mine to mix."

Editor's note: Phil Brody's review was originally published on Goodreads, which is the world's largest site for readers and book recommendations and highly recommended by Unfrazzle. 

Maria Altman died on February 7, 2011 at the age of 94. The obituary published by The New York Times captures much of her story. 

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No kidding, it is not safe to drive with dementia!

It can be very sad when an older peson loses the right to drive a car and as a society we need to be careful not to deprive people of this privilege unless it is really necessary. 

It is not too surprising then to learn there are thousands of people with onset dementia who are still driving. One of the consequences is they sometimes get lost.

A new study from the University of South Florida focuses on how people with dementia become lost while driving, how missing drivers are found, and the role of public notification systems like Florida's "Sliver Alert" in these discoveries. It suggests techniques that may help recover drivers with dementia and prevent harmful accidents.

This topic is very relevant to the caregiving community because most of the drivers who get lost have a family or an outside caregiver. About 70% of the time they drive off with the caregiver's knowledge, mostly on routine trips to the grocery store, gas station, shopping, etc. 

Less than one third take the keys without their caregiver's knowledge. 

Only 15% are found driving the car, which is a good thing. The others simply forget where they parked the car and get lost wandering around looking for it. So the situation overall isn't quite as dangerous as it might seem.

Anne-Marie Botek has written an insightful column about the Florida study, published by the Agingcare.com website and the University of South Florida has published a press release on the USFHealth site. The study itself was published in the Journal of American Geriatric Society. 

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